Hero to Zero

      During the Torah Club meeting earlier this month, one of the men said something that struck home with me.  He said that, at his job, you can go very quickly from hero to zero, and it's often not even based on your performance.
     I think I get myself into a lot of trouble with this in my job.  The work of a midwife makes a huge difference in the lives of people.  My actions and insight can often be the difference between life and death, or peace and turmoil, smooth flow and chaos, preparedness and loss.  The stakes are pretty high.
     There are also a lot of things beyond my control.  Sometimes a birth is especially beautiful and peaceful...and it wasn't because I was especially awesome that day.  Sometimes a birth has complications or hard things, and it isn't because I failed as a midwife.
     But it is so easy to ride that rollercoaster.  It is so easy to look at something I did well and look at how well everything turned out, and to feel that I am a hero.  And it is equally easy to make a mistake and feel absolutely worthless as a midwife.
      Mr. D was sharing about how you just need to walk steady and not be swayed by the influx of reactions around you.  Don't ride that hero wave.  And don't sink into those accusations of worthlessness.
     I've heard people talk about this in the writing world.  Authors have written perfectly crafted novels and had them rejected until long after the author died.  And authors have also found themselves caught on the whim of popularity and launched to the top of every chart in the country.  Most of the time, flaming success or dismal disregard have very little to do with the author's actual skill.  
     So I guess I was braced against this rollercoaster in the writing world.  But it completely blind-sided me in the midwifery world until that comment in Torah Club.  I'm going to have to ponder this one for a while and see how I might need to do life a little differently.
     Once again, it has to do with keeping God in the center of your life.  No more self-esteem issues.  Just God-esteem.

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