Mercy
As I mentioned in the previous post, I had a rough month.
You know what made it even worse?
It was partly my fault.
That may sound weird, but I'm guessing some of you out there understand exactly what I mean. Dealing with a catastrophe that was not your fault is completely different than dealing with one in which the blame lies squarely on your shoulders. Especially if you're the sort of person who likes to exceed everyone's expectations and who identifies yourself as someone who doesn't make mistakes.
Imagine...a car wreck. In which you were not at fault. Someone swerved into your lane. You did heroics and managed to keep the wreck from being as bad as it could have been (thanks to your awesome driving skills), but, alas, your car was totally wrecked.
It's easy to pray then.
God, help me. Restore what was wrongfully stolen from me. Redeem me from my enemies. Bless me, for I am aligned with you.
Now imagine the same scenario of a car wreck -- only the wreck was your fault. You're the one who, for some reason, lost control of your vehicle and smashed your car to bits.
It's much harder to pray now. You have no rights. You deserve what you got. You probably deserve worse than what you got. Why ask God to help you out of this mess when you're the one who drove your car into the nearest tree? There's absolutely no one to blame but yourself. Nothing was "stolen" from you. No enemy can be readily blamed. And, due to your own stupidity, you clearly were not aligned with God at that particular 4 seconds of time.
What do you say? "I respectfully ask You to help me anyway because I'm your spoiled child?" That doesn't seem right.
You could try to squirm out of it. "It's not really my fault. The enemy distracted me." Uh-huh. That sounds an awful lot like Adam's and Eve's excuses in Genesis 3. And it just doesn't feel right.
You could just avoid praying for help all together. "Dear God, I know this is my fault so please just stay out of this and let me suffer properly." But, yikes, this suffering looming ahead of you is too big for you to bear. And it affects other people you care about. You can't just leave God out of this. You NEED Him.
So what do you do? What do you say?
I verbalized this to my husband, and he said the wisest words to me. "No, this was your fault. You don't ask for Him to fix this based on your righteousness. You don't need that. You need MERCY. That's what mercy is. Yes, it's your fault, and yes, He still gives you mercy." (paraphrased, as best as I can remember).
And he was right. Somehow this acceptance of mercy was hard for me to wrap my brain around. I wanted to feel like I deserved it. I wanted to feel like I wasn't a complete and total failure, that I was worth extending some mercy to. But I wasn't. In fact, I wasn't even as close to perfect as I thought I was. My whole self-identity was shaken.
One of the cool things about mercy is that it can't be demanded. I don't deserve mercy. It's not a fundamental right.
He can give it. Or He can withhold it.
I can ask for it. I can plead for it. And then I wait for His judgement. And I trust that, whether my punishment be severe or light, that He has made the best decision. If He restores what I lost and mends what I broke, blessed be His Name. If He leaves me without those things that I lost and broke, and I taste the bitterness of what I brought upon myself, blessed be His Name.
The one thing that I CAN count on is that He will be found by me if I seek Him. My steps will get brighter and brighter as I follow Him -- whether I start from a middle ground or from a dark place. If I slide in the wrong direction, I can turn toward Him and start climbing...from anywhere. That is something He has promised.
In this case, He gave me extra mercy. Things are being restored and mended -- to better than before. And I'm grateful.
It's been a learning curve. To strive for perfection and to accept mercy.
You know what made it even worse?
It was partly my fault.
That may sound weird, but I'm guessing some of you out there understand exactly what I mean. Dealing with a catastrophe that was not your fault is completely different than dealing with one in which the blame lies squarely on your shoulders. Especially if you're the sort of person who likes to exceed everyone's expectations and who identifies yourself as someone who doesn't make mistakes.
Imagine...a car wreck. In which you were not at fault. Someone swerved into your lane. You did heroics and managed to keep the wreck from being as bad as it could have been (thanks to your awesome driving skills), but, alas, your car was totally wrecked.
It's easy to pray then.
God, help me. Restore what was wrongfully stolen from me. Redeem me from my enemies. Bless me, for I am aligned with you.
Now imagine the same scenario of a car wreck -- only the wreck was your fault. You're the one who, for some reason, lost control of your vehicle and smashed your car to bits.
It's much harder to pray now. You have no rights. You deserve what you got. You probably deserve worse than what you got. Why ask God to help you out of this mess when you're the one who drove your car into the nearest tree? There's absolutely no one to blame but yourself. Nothing was "stolen" from you. No enemy can be readily blamed. And, due to your own stupidity, you clearly were not aligned with God at that particular 4 seconds of time.
What do you say? "I respectfully ask You to help me anyway because I'm your spoiled child?" That doesn't seem right.
You could try to squirm out of it. "It's not really my fault. The enemy distracted me." Uh-huh. That sounds an awful lot like Adam's and Eve's excuses in Genesis 3. And it just doesn't feel right.
You could just avoid praying for help all together. "Dear God, I know this is my fault so please just stay out of this and let me suffer properly." But, yikes, this suffering looming ahead of you is too big for you to bear. And it affects other people you care about. You can't just leave God out of this. You NEED Him.
So what do you do? What do you say?
I verbalized this to my husband, and he said the wisest words to me. "No, this was your fault. You don't ask for Him to fix this based on your righteousness. You don't need that. You need MERCY. That's what mercy is. Yes, it's your fault, and yes, He still gives you mercy." (paraphrased, as best as I can remember).
And he was right. Somehow this acceptance of mercy was hard for me to wrap my brain around. I wanted to feel like I deserved it. I wanted to feel like I wasn't a complete and total failure, that I was worth extending some mercy to. But I wasn't. In fact, I wasn't even as close to perfect as I thought I was. My whole self-identity was shaken.
One of the cool things about mercy is that it can't be demanded. I don't deserve mercy. It's not a fundamental right.
He can give it. Or He can withhold it.
I can ask for it. I can plead for it. And then I wait for His judgement. And I trust that, whether my punishment be severe or light, that He has made the best decision. If He restores what I lost and mends what I broke, blessed be His Name. If He leaves me without those things that I lost and broke, and I taste the bitterness of what I brought upon myself, blessed be His Name.
The one thing that I CAN count on is that He will be found by me if I seek Him. My steps will get brighter and brighter as I follow Him -- whether I start from a middle ground or from a dark place. If I slide in the wrong direction, I can turn toward Him and start climbing...from anywhere. That is something He has promised.
In this case, He gave me extra mercy. Things are being restored and mended -- to better than before. And I'm grateful.
It's been a learning curve. To strive for perfection and to accept mercy.
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